Rules and criteria – 41-50 – 31-40 – 21-30 – 11-20 – 1-10
About 25 percent of what I said in the course of presenting this list was a lie. I don’t, for instance, really trust that Faith No More is a greater band than the Eagles. I would rather listen to them any day of the week, but a “greater” band they are not. How one defines “band,” where particular bands fit in the American pantheon of popular music and the continuing usefulness of the band are questions I find interminably interesting. My unjustified loathing of the Eagles was just a jumping off point. In that spirit, there are some points of marginalia I wanted to clear up.
The Snubs
There are bands that absolutely deserve to be on this list, some of them probably quite high in the rankings, that I left off simply because I don’t like them. Most of them I find as boring and anemic as the Eagles. One of them I just flat out forgot about until it was too late. It’s not fair and I deserve to be called out. What I found fascinating is that, with the exception of the Allman Brothers, no one did. In no particular order:
The Allman Brothers
Chicago
The Byrds
Fleetwood Mac
KISS
The Margins
There were even more bands on the bubble that I just couldn’t justify, either because they weren’t more important than a band that was listed or because doing so wouldn’t allow me to score comedic points by including James Gang and Tenacious D. They are:
Spinal Tap
Blue Oyster Cult
Smothers Brothers
Drive-By Truckers
Guided By Voices
Los Lobos
Television
The Replacements
Sonic Youth
Wilco
What if no “and the” exclusions
By a mile, the most controversial rule was “The Tom Petty Rule,” which disqualified Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and other “and the” groups. It also shut out notable backing bands attached to headliner personalities. These are the bands I would’ve included had ignored those distinctions:
The J.B.’s
Sly and the Family Stone
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
The Wrecking Crew
Booker T. and the MGs
What if no The Band Rule
The Band is the greatest American Band of all time.
Most “LOL” Quote I Forgot to Include Somewhere
“To this day, it simply doesn’t get any better than that guitar riff from ‘Life in the Fast Lane.'” – Sheryl Crow
Ye gods, Sheryl! Because I’m short on time, here’s five off the top of my head:
“Satisfaction” – Rolling Stones
“Whole Lotta Love” – Led Zeppelin
“I Wanna Be Your Dog” – The Stooges
“Mississippi Queen” – Mountain
“You Really Got Me” – The Kinks
Stat Trivia
Only eight bands on this list had all their studio albums certified platinum or better like the Eagles:
Nirvana
Van Halen
Guns N’ Roses
The Doors
Rage Against the Machine
Journey
Boston Jane’s Addiction
Only nine on this list had a Diamond-certified album:
Van Halen
Guns N’ Roses
Nirvana
Boston
Metallica
The Smashing Pumpkins
Green Day
Pearl Jam
ZZ Top
Seven other American bands that had a Diamond-certified album, but belong on a different list authored by Dante:
Bon Jovi
Creed
Linkin Park
Dixie chicks
REO Speedwagon
No Doubt
Matchbox 20
Only 10 bands had 10+ Top 40 hits:
The Beach Boys
Kool & the Gang
Aerosmith
Journey
Earth, Wind and Fire
Van Halen
Styx
Creedence Clearwater Revival
R.E.M.
War
At approximately 150 million units sold, the Eagles are the best-selling American Band, by my definition. Much of this is due to the Greatest Hits album (~32M), which is only a success the way George Costanza as Arkansan tourist was. The Eagles are trailed, in order, by:
Metallica
Bon Jovi
Fleetwood Mac
Guns N’ Roses
Chicago
The Beach Boys
Earth, Wind and Fire
R.E.M.
Van Halen
Red HOt Chili Peppers
The Doors
Journey
Alabama
Nirvana
KISS
Sound Doctrine 